The struggle to CREATE something new
I’ve been asking myself recently, “So, what’s the problem
girl? Why aren’t you drawing every day, like someone who is keen to improve and
also values the creative process that brings balance and perspective into daily
life?”
…”What’s holding you back?”
And it got me thinking about why any ‘creative act’ seems so hard and why we often shy away from
– - Having a go at something new
– - Working at improving a skill
– - Allowing ourselves to trust our creative
instincts
– - Making time to create, just for the sheer
delight of it
…And most of all, being willing to feel the pain and
struggle that goes with creative activities and push through to that end place.
Last week I decided to try and capture my raw thoughts and
reactions as I tried to draw. So, here it is, it’s not pretty…. it’s just my
uncensored notes, as I literally battled
to create something now.
“I don’t know where to start on
this paper.
I don’t know where I’m going….I have no
plan…!!
I see what’s in front of me... I
see the mountains, but it’s all confusion…I can’t find my brain
I feel like a toddler, knowing
that they want to walk, but having no clue how to start
But I start…the marks are
ridiculous they make no sense. They are lies compared to what I’m seeing.
I don’t know how to interpret
what I’m seeing; I’m out of my depth completely.
It feels uncomfortable.
It feels impossibly hard. My brain
says, “You can’t do this” (Loudly)
I make many more marks…they all
look ridiculous.
I feel doubt. I fear
disappointment and failure. “What if it gives me no pleasure and I end up
feeling frustrated and disappointed with my efforts”
“What if I can’t find a way to
access my creative, right-brain? I know I can’t do this unless I find my way
there…to that mystical, other space inside myself”
I’m living now with chaos on the
page – why am I bothering? It’s not working!
I must find a connection with
these outrageously, awesome mountains.
I’m searching for the right
marks that will tell a story, create a drama and force an emotion in me.
I’m on an adventure to find a
million marks that will work together to tell a story.
But I want it to be easy…..I
stab at the paper, making unintelligent marks…
“No” I shout, you can’t cheat,
there are no short cuts…you must draw from your deep creative brain… you must
find your way there.
"Be intelligent, there is no
other way”
“Stick with the NOT KNOWING…make
every mark intelligent and intense, but also unimportant and lost in the whole”
I want it to be easier than
this. I want it to 'just happen' magically on the page. There must be an easier way (but I
know there isn’t)
I hear a voice saying…
"Don’t be
afraid to create a bit of random madness and mess.
Feel the flow.
Let anger be
a potent emotion in the struggle.
Fight with your creation and..
Let yourself escape
onto the page”
-JB
“The greatest
danger for most of us lies not in setting our aims too high and falling short,
but in setting our aims too low
…. A man/woman
paints with his brain and not with his hands”
– Michelangelo
